A New Start...The End.


Starting new with you.....

Those words seem so exciting.  They are exciting and yet a little scary--all in the same.  The past is in the past.  A new day dawning.  Hardships come and go.  The days pass with thunder and rain, with joy and pain, with laughter and tears.  

How can I continue to breathe? Most days are like a total blur.  Well, they have been since it all started....nearly 30 years ago. Oh! Life!  Thou doth elude me! The sting...

Who am I? Where did I come from?  Where am I going?  Where will I end up?  Awe! Those questions surround me daily.  Honestly, I thought I had it all together nearly 11 years ago.  Spoiler alert.  I didn't. Nor do I have it all together now.  The truth is that most days, I'm merely existing.  Existing in the hope and truth that God has a grander plan for me.  A plan that I do not see.  A plan that is on the horizon.

But....my heart.  My ailing heart.  My torn mind.  My fears.  My desperation.  I just don't know anymore.

Life was so easy and different all those years ago.  I truly felt that I knew my destiny.  There are good, bad, and ugly that has come from my life. I know that God isn't finished with me yet, but right this very second, I'm at a loss.

Oh!  The crowd!  They see me in such a different light than what I see myself--what I feel on the inside. Oh!  Gosh!  They see that smiling face.  That ray of sunshine.  That happy-go-lucky girl.  That person who always comes out on top--who can handle anything.  But...they would be wrong.  Dead wrong.

Truth? I'm a failure...at life. Such a blanket statement, but...Yeah.  I am.  This very moment, I'm in a very dark place.  The place of failure.  I have failed at marriage so many times that I'm embarrassed to even talk about it.  I have failed at being a mother, being a friend, being a daughter.  I've even failed at my health.  What is my life good for?  I swear for the last breath in me, I do not see the value in my living.  I'm a burden to so many.  A disappointment to so many. I've been told that I will never amount to anything in life.  That I'm a bitch.  That I'm a nag.  That I'm controlling.  That I'm just...too much.  

So, as I look at me, maybe I am.  Maybe that's why I'm in this situation of life right now.  You know, God has blessed me in abundance many times over, and I find some way to simply screw it up each and every time.  The truth is I have no feelings of security.  See, just when I begin to feel safe, someone will say or do something or something will happen to destroy that feeling of safety. And then, well, I go right back to square one.

Where are all these thoughts coming from?  The best view of yourself is how others see you...the way they treat you--or so it seems through my scope.  All those things I mentioned above--the disappointments and such--Well, I'm starting to see they are right...I guess.  How could they be wrong?  I mean, no party (relationship) that I have attended ever turned out well--for me or for them.  I just suck at life.  

Here's the thing--I've never been open enough to admit all these things.  I sweep it all under the rug--each and every little battle that I lose, I sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened. Yeah, I pull up my bootstraps and keep on trudging along, but not this time.  I'm finished.  I'm done.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Light Flashed

Image
  That night.  Ughhh!  That night.  It was literally one of the most horrific nights of my life.  I haven't forgotten it.  Nor will I ever forget it.  It still reigns vividly in my mind.   That guy I had moved in with--the drunkard.  Yeah.  Well, one night he was up to his usual drunk shenanigans.  Only this time, a couple of friends of ours had stopped by the house for some supper.   It was a pretty pleasant time.  I mean, I really didn't think he would get wasted with friends there.  He knew how inebriated he would get from that Wild Turkey.  And so, I was in the kitchen getting a lesson on how to peel potatoes from my friend.  She was super kind.  A little older than me.  Sandy blonde thick hair with gentle swoops flowing by her face.  Yeah.  She was pretty.  The kind of pretty I really wish I was--even back then. Nothing was out of the ordinary.  My friend's husban...
Read more

An Open Window...

Image
  An Open Window... From where I sit, that window!  Oh!  That window!  One would think the window would let light in.  Just like shining a light into one's soul.  But no.  It doesn't.  Instead, I see rain-drenched grass, gray skies, and frowning treetops. Gosh! How I can identify with the outside today! Only that's how I feel on the inside.   My mind. It's a tricky thing.  I can drawback to the time when I was 12 years old.  That time when I learned of my mom's infidelity.  I learned of it on a summer morning by overhearing a phone call of her discussing the possibility of pregnancy--all while knowing my father could not father any more children.  In fact, he was downstairs cooking the most delicious breakfast.  What a blow to a pre-teen.  How could I handle such news. My young mind could not even fathom what I was hearing--and hearing it from inside my own bedroom.  What was I to do with this informati...
Read more