Forever. For-never...



Forever?  For-never is more like it.

That word..forever.  It's such a long, drawn-out word.  Surely, that 12-year old mind of that little girl desired for that chap to be hers forever.  It wasn't meant to be.  And so, at 16 I began working at a local department store.  I can still remember those late nights there.  My feet hurt so badly.  The only good that came out of that job was the opportunity for a modeling position--or so I guess. 

I worked in the cosmetic and perfume area of J.C. Penney.  A lady by the name of Elizabeth Stevenson approached me and requested I model for them.  I was so surprised at her offer. Me?  No way. Surely, I had lost all that baby fat that once hung on my thighs, but a model?  No way.  No one would ever want this flighty, attention-seeking girl to work for them--and as a model?  No way.  But she did.  And so I accepted.  But that moment of being idolized as a model and the way guys had begun to treat me was nothing short of a disastrous mind play on my feeble mental state.  

I hung on to every word.  Every wink.  Every offer from every boy that gave me the attention I so desired.  I had been ridiculed, taunted, harassed, bullied, and just flat-out chastised for being overweight my entire childhood.  And now? That awkward kiddo was the center of all the attention. The one who other girls wanted to look like.  Big boobs.  A flawless face.  Blonde hair. A wild and crazy personality.  That was me.

I just didn't know how to respond to all those come-ons.  And so, I drifted into the realm of pleasing others in order to feel fulfilled.  

It wasn't very long--still at 16-years old--I met a fellow right there at my department store.  He wooed me until I couldn't say no. I mean jewelry, clothes, food, kind words...you name it, he provided it for me.  He was 5 years older than me and made a proposal I couldn't refuse.  My life was so empty.  I had been shunned by my first love--my forever; for-never--who was hooking up with some girl named Heidi who was way bigger in size than me.  I mean really?  I couldn't win for losing with that guy.  Heck. I reckon I can't win for losing with anything in my life.  I guess losing to Heidi was just the tip of the iceberg. There have been so many Heidies in my life.  It sucks.  But, yeah, that fellow that wooed me...

He asked me to move in with him, and I did.  Yeppers.  I moved in with my boyfriend at 16-years old.  My mom tried to stop me relentlessly.  She even approached me several times at the guy's house.  One time, she tried to hit me because I was telling her that I wasn't coming back to her house.  I blocked her with my arm and hit her in the nose.  It bled.  I felt sorry.  I still feel sorry for that.  

The move-in lasted until it didn't. Oh.  I guess it lasted about 9 months.  He was into drugs and alcohol before he met me, but he knew I wouldn't tolerate those things--which I won't nor will I ever tolerate those kinds of things. So, he began our relationship clean and sober. That was a great thing until he decided to test the waters which led to him drinking heavily.  When he was drunk on Wild Turkey, he was as mean as a snake--a rattlesnake!  

There were countless nights that he would yell horrifying words at me.  I would go into the extra bedroom and hide underneath big piles of clothes that we had in there.  He never found me.  I was so scared!  I would hide until the morning when I went to school.  Yeah.  I still went to school--at least for a little while until he talked me into quitting school and working at a shirt factory.

So, there I was going to school, working at a department store, modeling on the side, working at a daycare center in the early afternoons before heading to the department store, and STILL being a so-called teen wife to a drunkard.  That pretty much sums it all up.  It was a beautiful life--NOT.  That's where I attempted to quit high school.

I say "attempted" because quitting school happened for all of about 2 weeks. The shirt company folks treated me so kind and loving.  It was what I felt that I needed.  But my supervisor knew I wasn't meant to be a 16-year old high school dropout.  I knew I wasn't meant to be a high school dropout.  So,  my mom talked the principal into allowing me to come back to school if I made up all the work and passed my exams--which I did.  But even then, I was still living with that wasted soul.  Until THAT night. THAT night my life flashed before my eyes...


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